“Yes, it’s vulnerable and scary to keep your love on toward someone who has become a perceived threat—you cannot guarantee what he or she is going to do. But you can guarantee your own choice. And you can always choose connection.”
― Danny Silk, Keep Your Love On
It’s no mystery that being on lockdown with people is strenuous. This is because not only do we have to deal with our own emotions and triggers but we also have to deal with the people we (can’t escape from) even though we love and enjoy them a lot. This is because our basic desire for autonomy has been severely limited because of COVID-19. We can’t go to a coffee shop alone to decompress, we can’t interact with our extended friends and family, and we definitely can’t just go grab a drink. Rough stuff.
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
― Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
It’s hard because we actually value the people we are in lockdown with and don’t want to hurt them, while concurrently having our own needs. It’s almost like the ultimate litmus test of how codependent you are with those around you. It’s important to know where we are at individually before bringing ourselves to the table--we’ll call that self-awareness. Without being aware of how we are personally feeling or internally processing, we can’t have healthy long-term relationships with the people around us.
“In a respectful relationship, each person understands, “I am responsible to know what is going on inside me and communicate it to you. I do not expect you to know it, nor will I allow you to assume that you know it. And I will not make assumptions about what is going on inside you.”
Because friendships, romantic relationships, and familial relationships are not about what you can get out of the other person, we need to be more self-aware. We need to choose the road less travelled (more often than not) to live as a powerful person who can own their mistakes, emotions, and reactions to circumstances. Choosing to live this way will, in turn, build respect with the person/people around you and will likely lead to healthy conflict resolutions.
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.”
― Esther Perel
With the very unique circumstances at hand, practicing healthy boundaries and communication tools are going to be more helpful than ever. Instead of feeling bogged down by the person/people we are “stuck with” (let’s just be honest about that phrase), we can use our current situation as an opportunity to grow as healthy communicators and to be emotionally intelligent and independent. We need to have our own experience as healthy individuals before bringing ourselves into a deep and committed relationship with others. This ultimately brings ourselves a sense of security and identity that isn’t dependent on anyone else’s behavior or needs. However, this isn’t to say to never compromise with the people you live with for the sake of peacemaking and loving them well. A strong sense of self means you know who you are, what you can offer, how you receive, and what you need--we’ll call those boundaries.
Conflict can be one of the most anxiety-inducing and stressful experiences, especially if you grew up in a home of invalidation or emotional abuse. Instead of telling your partner/housemate/family member how you’re feeling, you might opt for bottling and suppressing your emotions to avoid confrontation. This only causes bitterness and resentment toward the person/people we want to resolve the conflict with. This is a fear we can work through with the help of our friends: Courage and Vulnerability. Try opening up a safe conversation where you voice your fears of conflict and your true emotions. This allows the other person to understand your process, and gives both of you an opportunity for growth as individuals. We can’t live in a victim mindset if we want to be powerful people and we have to be willing to sacrifice the little things. Having hard conversations can result in positive growth opportunities. Remember, quarantine is a really unique experience throughout the globe. Give yourself some grace if you hit some bumps in the road. The goal isn’t to be perfect, it's to learn from the process.
If curious to explore more of one of our favorite couples psychotherapists here at Arts & Lectures, check out her series on YouTube tackling some of the aforementioned topics!
(Now, disclaimer, this is written for subtle disagreements and personality riffs within a living atmosphere. Abuse is a serious issue, do not dismiss that. If the issue involves abuse and is taking a toll on your mental and emotional health please refer to the resources below).
Original Artwork by Krysta Bass